There are two games coming out this week on the VC but in my heart there is only one. I’m having trouble not just skipping Wonder Boy (Sega Master System, 1-2 players, Rated E for Everyone—Comic Mischief, 500 Wii Points) and going straight to the greatest racing game ever made (Road Rash comes in a very close second) Cruis’n USA (Nintendo 64, 1-2 players, Rated E for Everyone, 1,000 Wii Points). But, since you, the loyal readers, deserve the best coverage out there we’ll talk about both.

Wonder Boy is the first Master System game on the VC and it not only looks like Adventure Island but actually is Adventure Island. There was some legal stuff that went on, thus making two games out of what should have been one. The plus side to Wonder Boy is that the protagonist’s name is Tom-Tom the Wonder Boy which sounds like the mentally challenged side-kick of the worst superhero ever. Aquaman and Wonder Boy to the rescue!

Who really cares though. Cruis’n USA is here and all other racing games can be damned. I have no idea why this game holds such a tender spot deep in my heart but it does. The graphics are middling, the controls are really only passable and the tracks aren’t that interesting aside from the random US landmarks crammed into the background. Still, I played this game until my N64 controller broke and then I played it some more after duct taping my controller back together. The cars were so crazy awesome and there weren’t any car licensing agreements either. Screw all these uber-realistic car models, I want a muscle car with the big engine thing sticking up out of the hood or a Mac truck that somehow can steer and drive as well as that Corvette-esque car I just slammed off the road. And what about Jeep-like vehicles? How come no one races in them anymore? And I don’t want to drive around real city streets! I want the Washington Monument to come over a hill right after the White House or the Golden Gate bridge to come directly after some tunnel that doesn’t exist. I want to cruise the world without the restrictions of the man! Join me my brethren and we shall cruise together until bikini wearing race women tell us we have won! Viva la revolution!

I’m sorry, I think I got carried away. The games will be available for download at 9 a.m. Pacific time.