Eyes-on / Postal III

What does a Grand Theft Auto look-a-like have to offer for the mass of gamers out there? How about gay biker gangs, a badger as a deadly weapon, and a pet monkey to help aid gamers in their killing rampages?

One of the first things I noticed about Postal III when I first saw it was that it looks really outdated. It looked like a GameCube game that had never seen light. Even though the Postal games have never really been known for their stunning graphics, it’s been long enough! You’d think by now they would have been able to figure out how to make the game look more realistic. Maybe it’s to keep it light-hearted for some odd reason?

Anyways, let’s move on to the gameplay. As stated before, this is pretty much a not so pretty GTA where you run around killing people with your pretty typical arsenal. Although one weapon that did make it more fun killing cops was the Badger Saw. “Badger Saw?”, you may ask. Well, let me explain this beautiful and innovative piece of weaponry. Basically, the player equips a badger that is in a harness as they would a gun, in fact you hold it as if you would hold a shotgun (y’know, at your side). Once the player has found their target, they ready it with the L1 trigger, which then makes the character hold it up in front of himself, claws flying everywhere. Next, all they have to do is run up to their victim and let their furry friend do all the mauling for them! So just sit back and watch as blood and guts just fly all over the screen. Sounds fun right? Well, it is!

Another nice addition to the game is an unnamed monkey that aids you in your adventure. Just equip the monkey as sort of a side item and it’ll appear on your back in the game. It took me a little while to figure out that in order to use the monkey you have to then equip the laser pen that guides it to wherever your heart desires. Use the monkey all you want to find new items and to get to places you can’t. Heck, you can even use it to attack people. Who knows what’s with all this animal abuse, but it does make things a lot more interesting.

Besides the awesome animals, the gameplay was a little glitchy, as it was a bit difficult to aim the weapons and direct the laser pen — either the aiming was way off, or the monkey just loved that car a bit too much. Speaking about cars, what was pretty cool, at least when I was told about it, was that you can shoot cars and make them explode, sending nearby people flying. So of course I gave it a try, and to my disappointment it took FOREVER for the darn thing to explode. I had to constantly run around and dodge bullets, and by the time the car went boom, the person I was hoping to kill with it ran into my line of fire instead. Talk about depressing.

Onto random info! Remember that gay biker gang from earlier? Well, their leader just so happens to be modeled after someone most of you might know. The Village People’s Randy Jones will be voicing his character model for the game. Another interesting fact is that for the first time, a Postal game is actually going to have a soundtrack.

OK, so in short there really doesn’t seem to be anything new and innovative about this game. Hopefully, since it isn’t coming out until August of next year, Running With Scissors will be able to fix it up a bit; at least make it look like it’s supposed to belong on the consoles that it’s going on. C’mon, is that so hard to do?