Ready to hurt the Hoff?

Unless you’re German, it’s a purely rhetorical question.

The PlayStation Blog has posted a “very special message” from David Hasselhoff’s personal assistant…ahem, I mean David Hasselhoff himself, whose virtual likeness will be crammed into a slingshot and unceremoniously launched into the path of oncoming traffic in Sony’s Pain on Nov. 6.

The high-school physics meets grade-school humor PlayStation Network original was my first download-only videogame purchase when I got my PS3, the excitement of shooting a Tarzan-shrieking human cannonball into a completely destructive downtown environment – replete with explosive propane tanks, chicken costume-clad protesters and the most dreaded species of clownicus creepicana, the mime – blinding me to the fact that downtown was, at the time, THE ONLY ENVIRONMENT.

Not to say I didn’t enjoy the cartoonish graphics and twisted humor, but there’s only so many times you can slam into a little old lady crossing the street, drag her down a flight of stairs, and roll her into the path of an oncoming subway train before it gets old. It’s a LOT O’ TIMES, granted, but it did get old. And that rapid-aging process was only accelerated by the the promise of future pay-to-play content – back when the dollar was still strong, $10 already seemed sorta steep for such a barebones game, especially when expanding the experience with additional environments was gonna cost extra.

All this to say that even though it was a fun ride, I choose to debark the “Pain train,” and have not gotten back on board since, despite a steady stream of add-ons, including new characters, new modes and a new Amusement Park environment. But the temptation of helping The Hoff take to the skies, no matter how briefly, in the new Movie Lot environment of Pain might prove more than I can resist, principles be damned!

As if it weren’t enough you get to abuse the suspected Anti-Christ in your choice of Knight Rider jumpsuit or Baywatch briefs, The Hoff has also has recorded a cover of the Culture Club classic “Do You Really Want To Hurt Me” which will be included as an in-game track, torturing you as you torture him. It’s so meta, and so like The Hoff.

As much as I hate the PSN buzzards for picking over my wallet’s rotting carcass, I love the idea of seeing Hasselhof in Pain. There are plenty of FREE GAMES that allow you to wax his chest and beat his ass, but only Pain will allow The Hoff to truly soar, unencumbered by the pretty laws of gravity.

As he was meant to.