DSi instruction manual asks, “What would idiots do?”

Nintendo has a history of producing rather elaborate and enigmatic instruction manuals for their gaming systems – their illustrated guide for the Wii warned of the practical (the Wii remote can interfere with pacemakers) and the preposterous (don’t poke four leaf clovers into the air intake), a proud tradition being carried to new heights of strange for the DSi.

Kotaku has posted pictures from the Japanese instruction manual, and I think we can all agree that thanks to this safety guide, and Nintendo’s forsight in producing it, LIVES WILL BE SAVED. Afterall, how else would you know not to put your DSi in the microwave, stab it with a screwdriver, swing it at a space heater or play it while merging into heavy traffic? This information could make the difference between you enjoying a healthy and happy relationship with your new DSi and your week-old body being found partially eaten by cats, your death ruled accidental autoerotic asphyxiation via power cable.

Hit the jump for some personal favorites explained.

DO NOT allow a telekinetic octopus to rewire your home, no matter how great a job he did installing your home theater system – electrical engineering is a job best suited for a telekinetic squid.

DO NOT loan your DSi to vampires, as their ability to control the natural elements of wind and storm may void your warranty.

DO NOT plug in your DSi AC charger if the wall socket starts emitting smoke, sparks and paper clips as this may be the first in a series of escalating poltergeist episodes.

Should your Mini Cooper be left in the sun for too long, it may experience severe heat stroke, rendering it unable to flee when giant interdimensional bugs emerge from the mist. Its dying thoughts will be of your DSi, and how he wished he could have told it he loved it.

DO NOT play the DSi too much, or you will lose your job and become a smelly lice-ridden hobo, forced to play doctor with angry mustachioed men to feed your gaming addiction.

Should you and your DSi get into a heated argument, throw your drink in its face.