After countless network timeouts and connection errors, I finally logged in to PlayStation Home for the first time, but my excitement for exploring this new friend-making funhouse was quickly dampened by a saddening albeit not surprising discovery - if you’re a girl, you’re gonna get sexually harassed. Big time. Any and all attempts to make new bowling buddies quickly devolved into “Like your boobs,” “Shake that ass” and the surprisingly sweet by comparison “You look cute!” That one was probably just buttering me up for anal.

I actually had to call my little brother on the phone, begging him to sign on and save me from being “dance raped.” He rushed to my rescue, performing a few bump and grind moves on my unwanted suitor before asking him “Do you like my moustache? You can touch it if you want to. Gently.” That did the trick, but next time I think I’ll try my hand at “Quincying,” or the fine art of suddenly swapping an attractive female avatar for a gag reflex-triggering Quazimodo, as invented by Joystiq’s Griffin Mcelroy.

Be sure to check out his hilarious step-by-step instructions on executing a seamless, sickening Quincy. But no stealing my trap-springing catchphrase, “Here comes Klugman!”