ESRB’s Scribblenauts description is chock full of crazy quotes

The Electronic Software Ratings Board’s website is a great place to check for release info or plot spoilers for upcoming games, but who knew it could distill everything that makes Scribblenauts so wonderful into a single sentence: “Steak can be attached to a baby to attract lions.”

The ESRB’s official description of the award-winning write ’em up, which allows players to summon more than 10,000 potential puzzle-solving objects by scribbling them on the Nintendo DS touchscreen, summarizes the game even better than the gamemakers themselves. Every other press release, for every other game in the history of gaming, is currently gaping in wide-eyed wonder at the unintentional but undeniable selling power of a line like “If players wish to, they may type in the word vomit, which causes a beige-colored lump to appear on the screen.”

In equally succinct language they inform us that this game will be brimming with “whimsical scenarios,” like pulling off sweet bike stunts with a baby, bullying a shark with heavy-duty constriction equipment, and feeding tasty vegetables to prehistoric creatures. That’s to say nothing of the motherf*cking robot zombies. Hit the jump for the ESRB’s description in its entirety, which is how it should appear on the game’s back cover if 5TH Cell knows what’s good for them.

“This is a puzzle game in which players navigate a series of traps, puzzles, and enemies to collect stars scattered throughout the colorful levels. Players have the ability to summon different objects by writing/typing in the word (e.g., bike, spaceship, lion) and watching it come to life. If multiple words are entered in a sequence, different whimsical scenarios can be triggered: a bicycle can be used to jump over a baby; a bulldozer can clear away a shark; and cabbage can be fed to dinosaurs. Players can elect to summon “cartoony” versions of bats, bombs, guns, and flamethrowers. These types of items can be used to destroy objects or even other summoned items (e.g., a club can be used to hit an animal; steak can be attached to a baby to attract lions; rockets can be lobbed at a man). These triggered animations are minimally depicted and are usually accompanied by popping, musical sound effects; bright, star-shaped flashes; or small puffs of smoke. If players wish to, they may type in the word vomit, which causes a beige-colored lump to appear on the screen.”