PAX / The Book of Enforcement

Those who attended the “Enforcement on Xbox Live” at PAX got a very special treat, a reading from the Book of Enforcement by none other than Stephen Toulouse, head of Xbox LIVE Policy and Enforcement. This talk was released under creative commons so while I can transcribe what I heard I can in no way derivative from the text. It’s a good thing too, I couldn’t improve this if I tried.

“And it came to pass that the User did sign up for Xbox Live, and it was good. And the Service smiled upon the User and did ask, ‘By what name shall thou be known?’

But a shadow passed over the User’s soul and he was tempted. And he did bow to this temptation and entered a name unfit for the eyes of others. And the Service spake forth thane ‘Thy gametag is not appropriate.’

But the Service was kind and forgiving and bade the User ‘Please try another.’

But the User had hardened their heart and did therefore shroud their name in trickery. And it came to pass that O’s became zeros; the letter T became like a plus sign. Falsely clothed in earnest finery the Service was fooled by the User and did bid them ‘Welcome!’ with the customary ancient incantation, ‘P00nhun+3r has signed into Xbox Live.’

And the User did commit unspeakable acts of evil in their profile. The soul of those who looked upon the gaping maw of their ‘Bio’ field were raked asunder. But this small and twitchy being would have been ignored first-off. And P00nhun+3r did travel to the Battlefields of 1943. There he intended to darken the hearts of his brethren. On the highest point of Wake Island they preached their dark fellowship aloud and P00nhun+3r’s words became like stones. There he intoned a great tale of false histories of their teammates lineage. They beared false witness to the tendencies of the very womb that begot them. To lie with all nature of creatures; Two legged, 4 legged, 8 legged, even the very crust of the earth.

And he always took the last plane on the carrier. And he used that plane to try to knock the teammates from the carrier with the plane’s wings. And in their dark cloud of torrent summoned up from P00nhun+3r the team did shout in anger, ‘Why? Why is this douche bag on our team?’

And more than one of them did file a complaint. And, my children, the Service heard them. A light shone from the void and it blew over the game and said, ‘Time to regulate.’

It came to pass the Service arch-angle swooped down and P00nhun+3r’s mouth was suddenly silenced. There were so consequences that the uses felt the pump. And the arch-angle did smite the User with such force that the shock wave reached other players, a shock wave that explained itself as simply as it was effective, ‘P00nhun+3r has left the game.’

And on the other end of that judgement there was a wailing and a gnashing of teeth and the Service looked upon the fires of the ban and smiled, and it was good.

Can I get an amen?”