OPINION / The Fuck, SEGA?

Picture this if you will – slumped at my computer after a hard day in the office, chatting away to my partner, I noticed an email had popped up from ‘them upstairs’ at TVGB Towers. As I’ve previously mentioned, we get a lot of fluff and PR emails on a daily basis and they all want to grab your attention in some way. They’re mostly terrible and filled with utter guff but we received the following from Ayzenberg, a marketing/PR firm who are working with SEGA to promote…well, just see for yourselves:

It has been days since I saw this and I still don’t know what to do. I literally cannot. I tried to put my disparate thoughts on the matter down and came up with the following conclusions:

* This is a real thing that has happened. I must accept this and move on from this.

* This is a thing that SEGA did. SEGA. The guys who took a franchise about a hedgehog that runs fast and added werewolves, bestiality and guns and still fucked it up somehow. I don’t know if this is genius or a cry for help.

* At this stage, Shia LaBeouf has become a fully-fledged meme in his own right. He will be studied by future generations and I love him and hate him simultaneously for this.

Now what, Sega? You have my attention. Ayzenberg have managed to make me pay attention to something you’ve done for the first time in years and for what dark purpose? From the PR email:

With the return of the hit series Sonic Boom hitting Cartoon Network earlier this week and the new Sonic Boom title for Nintendo 3DS, Fire & Ice just announced at E3, Sonic and his team are slated for big things.

Well smother my crumpets and call me Your Majesty, is that it? All of this for a new cartoon and another Sonic-fucking-Boom? SEGA, take a seat, let me tell you what you’ve done here. You’ve bought an island in the pacific, employed the world’s finest scientists and built a laser capable of writing on the moon and in your moment of final triumph over a cruel, cold world that turned its back on you, you choked and wrote ‘HELO EVRY1!’. I take back everything I said about Destiny, at least they had the decency to be shitty with customers with a shitty PR ploy but you could’ve done something wonderful. You could’ve grabbed the mantel of irreverent, weird humor and announced that you were finally letting Sonic die so he could be free of this torment but no, this is what you did. You paraded him in front of another has-been in a state of self-destruction and he comes across as looking worse, and that is a genuine feat.

Lets talk about what you could’ve used this great power for – namely, Tembo. Tembo the Badass Elephant is by far the best thing you’ve done in years, it is glorious and stupid but also perfectly suited for a quirky, stupid advertising campaign. Tembo is ridiculous in the best possible way and with all the faux-machismo and action hero sincerity that it sends up, how could LaBeouf not be the perfect match? The posturing, the exhortation to “DO IT”, all of these things are perfect for Tembo so why Sonic? Let him go, SEGA, his time is done. Please.

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